Heavy

My mama's heart has been so heavy lately. There's so much I cannot control, though I want to. I cannot control the kids' sickness that persisted all month. I could not stop Valor from repeatedly throwing up yesterday. I could not prevent Serene from getting knocked over onto her face last night, thus resulting in scratches and bruises on her face, a split upper lip, and a chipped tooth. I could not stop an acquaintance from feeding Valor chocolate cake though I told her not to because he is only eight months old and cake is reserved for his first birthday. I cannot help when others sneak Serene sweets without asking, not because I am trying to rain on their parade in those particular instances, but because I see the whole picture that ever since Serene started eating sugary treats from the many hands that often offer them, she refuses to eat everything else that is nutritious except for plain rice or pasta, which makes mealtime and bedtime exhausting battles.

Because I am with the kids all the time, I see and feel it all. I desire their best, sometimes too staunchly. My idolatry for control manifests itself repeatedly as circumstances don't fare my way. I feel exhausted, angry, and disrespected. I am thankful God does not leave me in my sin. Rather, in His infinite kindness, He convicts me of my hard heart and reminds me how I need the gospel. How I need to remember that Christ died for my sin so that I could be free of my idolatry. How I need grace to trust in His sovereignty, goodness, and faithfulness even when situations don't pan out the way I'd prefer. How He cares for His children far more deeply than I can ever love the little loves with whom we've been entrusted. How He is the better parent and desires our ultimate good in Christ. These truths comfort my heavy mama's heart. Praise God.