Thursday, January 28, 2016

Heavy

valor at 38 weeks
valor at 38 weeks
valor at 38 weeks
valor at 38 weeks
valor at 38 weeks
serene at 2 years 3 months
valor at 38 weeks
valor at 38 weeks
My mama's heart has been so heavy lately. There's so much I cannot control, though I want to. I cannot control the kids' sickness that persisted all month. I could not stop Valor from repeatedly throwing up yesterday. I could not prevent Serene from getting knocked over onto her face last night, thus resulting in scratches and bruises on her face, a split upper lip, and a chipped tooth. I could not stop an acquaintance from feeding Valor chocolate cake though I told her not to because he is only eight months old and cake is reserved for his first birthday. I cannot help when others sneak Serene sweets without asking, not because I am trying to rain on their parade in those particular instances, but because I see the whole picture that ever since Serene started eating sugary treats from the many hands that often offer them, she refuses to eat everything else that is nutritious except for plain rice or pasta, which makes mealtime and bedtime exhausting battles.

Because I am with the kids all the time, I see and feel it all. I desire their best, sometimes too staunchly. My idolatry for control manifests itself repeatedly as circumstances don't fare my way. I feel exhausted, angry, and disrespected. I am thankful God does not leave me in my sin. Rather, in His infinite kindness, He convicts me of my hard heart and reminds me how I need the gospel. How I need to remember that Christ died for my sin so that I could be free of my idolatry. How I need grace to trust in His sovereignty, goodness, and faithfulness even when situations don't pan out the way I'd prefer. How He cares for His children far more deeply than I can ever love the little loves with whom we've been entrusted. How He is the better parent and desires our ultimate good in Christ. These truths comfort my heavy mama's heart. Praise God.

5 comments:

  1. I completely empathize with you on feeling the need to control every aspect of our children's lives. I have to constantly remind myself to let go and let God! Thank you for always sharing encouraging words when I need to hear them the most.

    On a separate note, where is that bed from? I like how the mattress fits inside the frame so little ones can't roll out!

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    1. praise God for using these words to encourage you, terry! relinquishing control is so hard, but God is refining me daily in this area.

      serene's big girl bed is the kura reversible bed from ikea (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80253814/)! we just didn't install the slats and put a 5" thick mattress on the floor so she won't roll out! when she and valor get bigger, we plan to flip it over and use it as a bunk bed :)

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  2. You are on the journey that every other mother before and after you will will experience at one time or another. It will be Ok in the end. Promise!

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    1. thank you so much, kelleyn! that gives me much hope :)

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  3. Wow you have such a great family. My wife and I are also really into making our children's life the best possible. You are not alone there. Love your family and things will fall into place. They will thank you for it later in life. My wife and I have 4 children so we have walked the road already. Thanks.

    Victor Peterson @ Dr. Farole

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